Issue #24: Kirby… or the Innocence of an Itinerant Salesman

You sure you don’t want to buy this vacuum cleaner?

Almost a full month of waiting for this issue, and you start it by trying to sell a vacuum cleaner? You’re right, that’s unbecoming. I’d rather start it this way:

I saw “Death of a Salesman” a few years back, adapted in Romanian. I’m sure the original text is rich and full of meat for the actors. Or the audience. I can’t remember a single thing that moved me while watching that play. Not one. For one of the great masterpieces of playwriting, it left me with a big ol’ blank in my memory. The only thing I can recall was the main character’s protruding belly. 

I’m no theater critic, but if your audience left the venue and immediately forgot your work… you botched it. Probably because your adaptation didn’t meet the standard set by the original. Maybe the talking points didn’t gel with the audience… I don’t know. 

But what I do know… I’ve seen this done waaaay too many times in sales. Someone took a sales process that worked once, for a specific product, and a specific audience, and plastered it all over the media as “the way” to sell. 

All the idiots adapted it verbatim and ran with it. They ran with it even when it didn’t work. Even when it lead to them bleeding money. Why? 

Because somebody had done it before, and it worked for that specific someone. Someone went through the trouble of coming up with a plan, a strategy, a way of doing things. 

The lazy mind doesn’t want to come up with its own way of doing things. It just wants to copy a formula. It will be the death of us, mark my words. 

But between the moment we’re all wiped off the face of Earth and now… you have an opportunity. A chance to stand out from the pack. A chance not to copy, but create a system that works for you. 

I don’t know sales. I know people. I wager the latter is more important. 

Now, don’t get me, and my overdrawn introduction, wrong. I don’t wish for the death of the salesman, itinerant or not. I just wish we all stopped glamorizing other people’s way of doing things and came up with our own. 

I wish for the death of traditional sales. Luckily, I was never trained in traditional selling. Thank fucking God! 

Oh wait… that’s a fat-ass flat-out lie…

Some background for your displeasure

I was raised by a single mother. Dad was part of the picture, on the weekends. Which meant that between working to secure our livelihood and actually having time to spend together, my mother needed some… outlets. 

One of the weirdest was the LLM… hah, I mean MLM (come to think of it, the level of stupidity required to buy into ChatGPT and a multi level marketing business is quite similar) known as Amway. Mom was working class, and the promise of a better tomorrow gained at the expense of gullible fools was our version of the American Dream.

As such, she didn’t just get interested in Amway… she dragged me along so I can be brainwashed by the Mean Marketing Machine that functions on aspirations… less so on reality. 

What can you discern when you’re 10? Trust me, not fucking much. I became a little single-minded marketer intent on converting whoever crossed my path. A little bit like religion, this MLM craze: get them while they are young. 

Of course, my mother wasn’t a complete idiot (I mean… she birthed me) so she realized pretty quickly that the jig was up and that any kind of business that relies on fanatic belief can’t compete with the church, so she slowly backed away and did her own thing, started her own business. Sure, she gets some spur of the moment interest in MLMs now and again, but it’s benign stuff. 

However… the damage had been dealt. I’m a 30-year-old non-believer. I don’t trust anyone who is selling me stuff that’s way too good to be true. 

But… even I am not infallible. 

The rules of the game

As I stated above, I don’t know shit about selling. I’m a self-made marketing guy. My bread and butter is writing. So… why this topic? 

Because I believe sales and marketing can go beautifully together. By the way, if you’ve been watching this space for a while now, you know they are not the same thing. 

Sure, marketing can help with selling, but, AGAIN, it’s not the same thing. Both are cogs in the mechanism, but they don’t have the same function. 

I agree with you, the endpoint is making money. So… selling. But if ever you confuse marketing with selling, you’re making a grave mistake. Let me explain:

Random person —> Random person who knows about the product —> Random person who is interested in the product —> Client 

Basically, the above can be interpreted like this: Random person —> Marketing  —> Marketing  —> Sales

Now, if you confuse marketing for sales, you’ll instantly try to convert all random people into clients. 

Spoiler alert: that’s stupid. 

You need that nurturing phase that takes randos from knowledgeable to interested, and then to actual spenders. 

Sometimes the journey takes a minute. Sometimes it takes years. Marketing’s the middle man. The lube. Take it out of the equation and the going gets rough. Try to sell without marketing first, and it’s like sex without foreplay… someone’s getting chafed. 

More often than not, that’s the seller. And if the client gets chafed? Good luck getting them to spend on your stuff again. 

So, that’s my philosophy. Since marketing and sales go together like dick and vagina (or asshole or whatever you fancy) I can definitely move up or down a few centimeters and look into a different hole*

*If this doesn’t discourage all those recent subscribers who have no idea what B00ls is about… I don’t know what will :D.

And the hole is called: How not to sell. 

I’m not going in blind, mind you. I’m going to relate to you my most recent, and my most horrible selling experience, and I’ll zoom in and out from time to time in order to discuss the valuable insights. It’s gruesome and unpleasant. 

Hope you brought protection. 

The story

There’s a big difference between renting an apartment and finding a new home. It rarely happens that you can do both. Luckily for myself, the missus and our new fur baby, we had found a new apartment that kinda met the criteria for a home. Only one little problem: the couch. The previous owner was rather on the “I don’t really care about cleaning after me” side, and the actual owner is on the “there’s no point in cleaning an apartment I’m going to rent” side. 

So we had to decide between a dirty couch and a cool apartment. Of course, we rented the apartment and decided to clean the couch ourselves. However, before calling in a professional (thank fucking God we did - ahem, you founder and marketer types take note) our landlady offered to connect us with some cleaners who were peddling a wonder vacuum. The only catch: 

“The cleaning session is free because they want to market their product”

Insight 1: no such thing as free

There is no such thing as free. Never. The universe doesn’t deal in unpaid checks. Everything balances out. Which basically means that whenever something is presented as “free”... you are paying, just not with money. Maybe you’re paying with your time. 

I knew this for a long time, but the homemaking enthusiasm flattened my synapses and I caved. 

After we confirmed to our landlady that she can put us in contact (how about inventing a time machine, anyone?) we got a call from a young woman asking about our availability. They would bring someone over to clean the couch, the carpet, the drapes, the whole house, even the dog. 

Now, I worked in a call center. I know a script when I hear one. Still… it sounded like a good quality one, so I let it slide. 

Night of the encounter, the doorbell rings and I open the front door to a smartly dressed guy holding a suitcase. 

Insight 2: dress for the job you are going to do

What the actual fuck is this? I expected a guy in overalls and cleaning slippers, not a smartly (albeit poor quality) dressed individual. Shoes and a tie for a sofa cleaning? I was about to get had… 

Whenever you meet with a client, don’t try to dress to impress. Don’t wear a tuxedo to a plumbing job. 

I let the guy in, against my better judgement. Sure, I can see he’s an idiot, and he’s not there to clean anything, just deliver a presentation, but you know what they say: in a for a penny, in for a pound. He starts hitting us with a barrage of questions:

• What kind of vacuum do you have?

• Nice dog, can I pet him?

• What do you do for work?

• Good money in marketing and writing? 

Insight 3: don’t schmooze me, don’t get overly personal

I don’t know about other people, but I don’t love prying questions. Especially if I can sense you’re just sizing up my bank account. I also don’t appreciate you grabbing my dog and dropping her on her head. 

If you want to sell, asking questions is vital. But maybe focus on the client’s needs, not their wedding plans, their dog, their salary. I don’t need to have that kind of intimacy with my service provider, thank you very much. 

It goes on like this for a while, and then he starts presenting his product: the Kirby vacuum cleaner. He starts vacuuming around the house, while making a show of how much dust the vacuum collects. And yes, we agree with him. It’s a lot. All of that is getting in our lungs. Horrible. Little insects that feed on our skin, they look atrocious, don’t they? They do. How about a vacuum cleaner that helps us get rid of dust and mites? 

He starts this whole Machiavellian play where the dust is the enemy, we’re the unwilling victim and he’s our savior. 

Insight 4: drop the theatrics, son…

Listen… if your product is that good, you don’t need to overhype it. Any attempt to convince me that it’s a lot better than it seems is only going to raise red flags. 

I know, I know, old-timey marketing slings that sorry-ass story where the client is the hero, and you’re the specialist who helps him achieve success. Can we drop that? It’s overdone. Present a problem, present a solution. Let's get on with it… kay? 

And then it’s only 4000 EUR. I explain to the nice man that I have no interest in buying anything. I just want my couch cleaned. Like clockwork, he proceeds to fake vacuum around the house, produce more dust and keep insisting that we are going to spend 4000 EUR that very night because his product is that good. 

Despite our best efforts, he seems unwilling to understand a sale is not going to take place. 

Insight 5: stop insisting, please

Trust me, I counted. He asked us about buying the vacuum cleaner for a grand total of seven times in 20 minutes before I warned him that I will swiftly kick him out of the house. 

You know how many times a normal seller asks if you’re willing to buy a product? Once. Twice, tops. Any attempt to further press the matter makes the buyer retreat further and further still. Trust me, if you have to ask more than twice, they are not in the market. Insistence leads to annoyance. If there’s one thing I want you to learn from this newsletter, it’s this:

“NO” IS A COMPLETE FUCKING STATEMENT. 

He figures out he’s not going to bully us into buying. What about a recommendation to our friends and relatives? 

Insight 6: don’t ask for feedback or recommendations too early

What’s there to recommend? I haven’t tried the product. I don’t like the way you sell it. Why would I give you any contacts? Maybe the phone numbers of my enemies, but that’s about it. 

Whenever you’re selling something, don’t rush the process. Most people will give you feedback and testimonials willingly, you just have to listen. If you feel the need to ask for it, wait until the selling cycle is completed. 

And then… a last ditch attempt. He pulls out his own personal Hail Mary: If we buy now, it’s 50% off. Forget that, we can just pay in advance… like 10%, and we can figure out the rest later. Help me help you. Scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours? 

Insight 7: don’t save me money

This is when the fun starts. A good salesman knows he has a good product. He’ll just sell it to someone else. No harm, no foul. But these scared vultures feeding on commission know they rarely encounter a willing victim. So they are willing to offer anything in order to make you part with some cash. 

Whenever I hear the “I’m going to save you money with this deal” spiel, I puke a little in my mouth. You’re not going to save me shit. You’re just asking me to spend a lower amount. Money is still leaving my pocket. If I didn’t want to buy before, you’ve just convinced me not to buy even harder. Careful with discounts, people. They might just cost you your credibility. 

When that doesn’t work, he just resigns himself to packing up his shit as he prepares to leave. A smart guy would just keep his mouth shut, but by this point he already demonstrated he’s not one. I tell him that the product seems cool, the method of selling is bad. He proceeds to insult me, in my own house, no less, by telling me I don’t know shit about marketing and sales. 

Insight 8: don’t blame the client

Really… don’t be a sore loser. If the sale is a bust, take it as an opportunity to learn. Not an opportunity to vent your frustrations on the person who is trying, willingly and openly, to teach you a lesson. 

Sure, ask about the reason for the failed sale, but don’t pin it on the potential client. That’s amateur hour. I know, specifically because I’ve felt the need to make people feel bad about not being able to afford my service. I never do. 

Except when they tell me I’m not worth that amount of money. In which case… all bets are off :))  

When blaming me for his inability to sell fails, he starts victimizing himself. As he’s prolonging the process of packing up his shit, he bemoans the fact that people keep making promises, but they never buy from him. 

Insight 9: don’t tell me how big of a failure you are

You know what works best when someone refuses to go out with you? First, you call them a skank. Then, you moan about how nobody is attracted to you. Yeah, that will get them all worked up and hot under the collar. Not. 

Look, just because you didn’t make a sale today, it absolutely does not mean you won’t make one tomorrow. Further down the line. Maybe even with the same client. But to tell a potential client that all the others refused you? Why would you do that to yourself, your dignity and your product? 

By this point, I feel sorry for the guy. I tell him that it’s not him, it’s just their idiotic training program. I shake his hand and wish him best of luck. I tell him that I sincerely hope my feedback helped him, and maybe he’ll consider amending his approach. 

And he hits me with: “Maybe I’ll see you around. This is a small city… you know.”

Insight 10: just… don’t

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. The filling in the donut. The fireworks on the 4th of July. The fish to my chips. I just love being threatened by a seller. 

Begging, pleading and making a fool of yourself wasn’t enough? Threaten your potential buyer! That will definitely make them remember you! 

At least Amway learned something. They finally learned that a sincere NO is better than pushing back after they insist. Too late. Twenty years too fucking late. But better late than never ;)

How I sell

I hope you hated that just as much as I did. For a while there, I thought something was wrong with me. After the idiot left, I went online and checked their reviews: 99% of people were dissatisfied with the aggressive (not to mention idiotic) attitude. The 1% who actually bought the product weren’t happy either. 

This gave me hope. Hope for a future where marketing means helping people and selling happens because we actually… naturally fulfill a need. If you’re my kind of weirdo, we should talk. 

But Vlad… how do you sell? You’re a service provider, so you must have a strategy. 

Of course I do. Beyond marketing myself and my services, I let my own clients sell to my potential clients. Confused? Don’t be. 

I use the feedback forms. Their testimonials and their LinkedIn Recommendations do the heavy lifting for me. I use whatever they tell me as marketing material and selling points. 

I talk about a problem and how I solve it, and then I show a happy customer. Nothing to it. 

It works a lot better than pushing and badgering people. And it doesn’t leave me feeling like an absolute tool at the end of the day. 

Try it and tell me it doesn’t feel better than traditional selling. 

Going forward

Oh, yes, I’ve been away for a while but, as you can see, I’ve had a lot of drama to process. Well, that, and the fact that I’ve had a surge of clients lately. Which means more testimonials, more feedback forms and more reviews. And round and round we go. But, as promised, I’m making the time to hit you with two issues a month, even though I let them caress your inbox at wider intervals. 

Speaking of caressing, if you loved this issue, you might be interested in:

Previously, on B00ls: Issue #23: Free Work Versus Paid Work

Know when to fold them and when to hold them

Next time, join MadVlad as he takes on… 

Issue #25: SEO bros talking shop

Another video episode where I teach freelance writers

Ok, but is this worth watching if I’m a marketer or founder? If you want to know more about how I come up with a writing tone and how I write for my clients – Yes. 

I’ll mostly tackle topics along the lines of: 

- How to incorporate a client’s voice in writing

- What to include in a brief for a blog post (SEO)

- How to do quality outreach to prospects and how to position yourself

- How important it is to have a presence on social media, namely LinkedIn. 

As you can imagine, everyone who is into digital marketing has a lot to learn. 

In the meantime, you can get access to the full archive here if you missed any other issue. 

In the meantime X2

If you liked my stuff, this is how we can work together: 

1. I write for you so you can stop with the old ways of doing marketing and selling. Check out the Experience section on my LinkedIn.

2. I consult marketers and founders. I can show you how to sell like a serious person. Not like an absolute bumhole. 

3. I consult writers. I can teach you how to prime people for selling by using your words. 

Are you a writer/marketer/founder who wants to sell better? 

Reply to this e-mail if you’re interested in the above. 

Know somebody who’d also like that? Share my newsletter and point them in my direction. I’ll give you a beer/coffee (gotta keep that gut slim, na?) if you’re ever in Brașov. 

Offer 1 is detailed up on LinkedIn.

Offers 2 and 3 are detailed up on LinkedIn. But you can also find them here: 

I’m open for consultancy services. Just reply to this e-mail if you’re interested. 

Cheers

If this was the first, but also last time we meet: Thank you. 

I write for myself, but you reading my writing gives it additional meaning. I literally could not resonate without you.