Issue #12 - The Snowflake Client
To Offend or not Offend, that is the question…
Hey… uh, heeey! Remember me? No?
Of fuck off, it hasn’t even been that long. B00ls took an impromptu hiatus because I ate some crispy chicken at Socului (great shawarma place for copywriters, sound designers, powerlifters, casino bodyguards, pimps and drug runners, and people of a certain ethnical conviction, of the brown variety—
Oh, I’m brown too, honey, I can make that joke ;)
—and came down with a nasty case of indigestion. Also, popularly called… “the shits”.
My own damn fault, really. But sure, I could have chosen to stick to my own schedule and write from the loo. Some barfingly good writing would have ensued.
Or, I could have chosen to take an off day and watch the X-Men animated series on Disney, with some mint tea by my side.
Tough call, right?
As evidenced by the lateness of you receiving this once weekly (my bad, nigger) newsletter, I obviously chose the latter.
Because I write for myself. You’re just invited. Sure, you’re the bee's knees for reading my totally special brand of drivel, but I’m the main attraction. Got it?
We’re not even married or anything, so back off, would you?
(most people call what you just read “throat clearing” or “fluff” — I call it personal style. Boo. Hoo.)
Heh. Did any of that offend you?
If Yes — unsubscribe button, chop chop.
If No — you’re ready to read the rest of my newsletter. Kiss, kiss.
Oh yeah, the teaser
In a totally unsurprising turn of events, given my erratic and mercurial nature… even if I don’t owe you anything — I do feel kinda sad about not showing up in your inbox last week. Guilty… even?
As such, I have a surprise for you. A once in a lifetime surprise, to be more precise. It’s something fffff
Fuck, I can’t do it.
OK, team effort now: freeeeeeeeeeee.
I burst a capillary….
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Yeah… read the whole thing, and you’ll get something free at the bottom of the e-mail. You know how I feel about free stuff, don’t you?
The Snowflake Issue
Look, I don’t think there is such a thing as the snowflake generation. It’s just snowflake… people. The ones that tend to disappear if you blow in their general direction. They also dissolve if you pee on them a little.
It’s usually the people who tend to get offended, even if you don’t want to offend them. And if you just so happen to work with some of those people… yeah, you’re going to have a hard time.
So it’s better to just push the limit a little bit, even from the start of the interaction, so you know what’s what and who’s who.
I’m not giving you a license to be a dick. Just to be yourself. No social mask. If they find that offensive, in the immortal words of the immortal Steve Hughes:
I actually took a break from writing and watched that ↑ again. Sheer. Fucking. Brilliance.
Back to my newsletter, I pray that you one day find a client who’s not offended by who you are what you say and what you think. When you achieve that, you’ve hit the jackpot. Work actually FEELS GOOD.
Novel concept, isn’t it?
Don’t take my word for it.
Should you ask questions?
Funniest thing ever, people can even get triggered by questions. Which kinda gives credence to the fact that being offended is a personal choice, right?
Well, one little, itsy bitsy problem: a writer/marketer’s bread and butter is asking questions. Even a founder’s bread and butter if he wants to get to know his audience or community. The deeper the probe goes (not like in an alien abduction scenario) the better.
You see, both writing and marketing work on emotion. Feelings, not actions, motivate most buyers. Well, if you’re selling toilet paper, you can discard that last line.
But, in order to get to the feelings of your clients, you got to get to the feelings of the person who sells a product or service. You do that by asking questions. That’s why the best marketers and writers are also great psychologists. We need to get to the squishy, mushy part of the client.
If you’re dealing with a Johnny 2x4 (or his Plank from Ed, Edd and Eddy), good luck extracting any information and feeling, mon ami. You’re better off investigating the skies and praying for a miracle.
The best way to spot these unusually tight sphincters is to ask questions that go deep.
I mean, if we’re to work together, and you’re not mature enough to take a question at face value, and not feel attacked… how are you gonna cope with the hate that invariably will find you when we post anything online?
To these people, we should apologize for our brashness, and bid them farewell. A cool cat strategy would also be to forward them the phone number of a good psychologist.
Come at me, bro!
Some people… you just gotta challenge. Sure, you don’t have to be a blunt instrument (trust me, I’m not one either, or people wouldn’t actually work with me — it’s just an exaggeration of features on my part because I’m a drama Queen and this sentence is already messing with the mind of most Gen Zers)
You can choose the scalpel route, as in being a gentleman or a gentlewoman. Or lady.
And here are some real life examples:
Don’t mess with my contract
One thing I don’t take lightly to is people messing with my contract for no good reason. For example, a recent client of mine, of the hot-headed variety, started changing the smallest details on my contract. Like… “This should be a ‘,’ not a ‘)’” small.
And I’m like… who the fuck cares?
I do.
Because, if he’s the kind of person who needs to control me on comma versus parenthesis, and I’m not setting a boundary here, he’s gonna mount me. I’m a be his bitch, and I don’t wanna.
So, I respectfully tell him that a parenthesis works better there, because I started it here and I’m ending it here.
All quiet on the Eastern front. Not two seconds go by and the SEO specialist who brought me in on the project (courageous fellow, what can I say) shoots me an e-mail.
It sounded like this: “Uhhh, Vlad, if it isn’t that big of a deal, let the client have his comma.”
I reply: “Sorry, O, but I need to see what caliber of crazy he is.”
How did the story end?
The client understood my parenthesis theory. Recently, he asked me to call him by his first name. He’s very happy with the blog articles I write, and he just extended our contract for another month.
Balls. They work. Use them. Or get mounted.
Don’t shame the client
Whatever you do, don’t shame the client. You can shame other marketers for doing a piss-poor job, but not the client. Because the client is not a specialist. They are coming to you for the specialist stuff, they already acknowledged the fact that they can’t do it properly on their own.
You don’t need to thunderously drive that point home. Oh yeah, this is also why I can’t understand most writers and marketers going after clients in their LinkedIn posts.
I’m like, bro, they already know they have a problem, you don’t have to push the needle. If you do, that only shows you're desperate, k?
So I work with this client on her website, and the feedback she gives me is this:
Most of you don’t speak Romanian, so I’ll translate:
I asked the client what she thought about our collaboration. She replied that she liked the communication, the fact that I gave my firm specialist opinion without forcing it on them. I didn’t criticize their website because they did their best. I asked questions that made them think, and it was all professional.
You can find the whole thing here.
Bottom line: don’t shit on your client. They are doing their level best. You are there to help them out of a sticky situation. They don’t need to be reminded of the stickiness. Be firm with your opinion, don’t be a dick. Easy.
Stand your fucking ground. Respectfully
One thing clients (the shit variety) try to do is tell you how to go about your business. So, If I tell someone that the minimum viable LinkedIn posts calendar has to include 12 posts, I mean it. Without 12 posts, you’re not visible enough. The algo fucks you.
I’m not pushing 12 posts because I want more money. I push 12 posts because that’s the bare minimum, I’ve learned, through painful trail and error, you need.
So if you, dear client, come at me asking to do 4 posts a month, I’m gonna tell you one of the following things:
You’re delusional. I’ve been at this game for a while, so you should trust my intuition. Under 12 posts, no deal.
If you absolutely insist on wasting your money, this is the price for 12 posts. Yes, I’m going to do just 4. But I don’t work for anything under X amount.
Your choice.
They usually tell me I’m too pricey, I tell them their big toe shows through their socks. Classy stuff.
Lead magnets… OK, but don’t push it
I’m not starting this whole argument again, ‘cause you know my standing on the matter: lead magnets are the poor man’s version of begging in marketing.
They COULD work on occasion. You know when they totally backfire?
When you use them as leverage for the poor bastard’s e-mail address. Sure, you could do it with gusto, and notify him — “you can unsubscribe at any time.”
Yeah, I still think that’s not a good choice, because you give him one extra step, thus making his life harder, not easier. But I’m tired of this discussion, and most people don’t listen to me.
You know what’s really shitty? Signing up for a lead magnet and automatically receiving an e-mail. This happened with one of my clients. I immediately wrote back to her (risking a future collab):
“Hey A, you know how I ramble about ethics all the time? I just got your newsletter THAT I DIDN’T SUBSCRIBE FOR. Could that be related to the guide? If it is, it’s a shit thing to do”
Be honest, Victoria, would you have the professional balls to do that?
She replies, saying that she wanted to speak to me about that. It is an automation that she wants to work on and people will now have the chance to opt into, not opt out of receiving the newsletter when they download the guide.
Challenge your clients. You might just be saving their business/reputation. And they will come to you again. Unless they’re idiots, and you haven’t been listening to me about the offending part.
You can’t have it both ways
This one’s also about challenging clients. I recently told a consultancy client that he can’t have it both ways when it came to social media. In that, he can’t both work on his own content and have time for everything else. He either outsources or he spends time on the content.
But I used the Romanian version, which roughly translates to: “You can’t have both a d*ck in your ass and your soul in Heaven.”
Was he offended by that? Not in the slightest. He actually told me that more creators and business people would benefit from my advice.
My sales approach
It’s quite obvious from the way I conduct myself on LinkedIn, and sometimes in real life — my totally disclosed goal is to repel people. If we’re not right for each other, I don’t want you stinking up my atmosphere. Nor me yours.
It’s a matter of respect.
So, when I’m in sales calls, get this, I’m actively trying to convince people they don’t really need to work with me. They could write their own posts, create their own strategies.
Yup, all true.
I don’t believe in marketing as a necessary crutch, but as a brilliant aid to business. So I’m going to try to placate your every argument for working together. If you really want it, we’ll make it work.
Try this approach and let me know what happens.
Do be offensive, don’t be an idiot
Probably the single most idiotic thing I’ve read online, from a fellow freelancer no less, is this rant:
“You need to have boundaries with your clients. The bastards tend to write to you on WhatsApp or e-mail at totally inappropriate hours. They are invading your private space.”
…. And I was like… what?
How thick can you be? They write when they have time to write! Maybe they’re going shopping, have a kid to raise, they tend to a loved one.
Maybe they work on a different time zone (oh, look who’s only a national level freelancer… hi, hi)
You don’t have to reply.
But to actively be pissed at your clients for writing at 10 P.M. because you can’t keep your eyes out of your OWN personal inbox. No, I’m sorry, but that’s stupidity of the highest possible caliber. That’s peak moronity.
So yeah, don’t set stupid boundaries with your clients. As in boundaries you should set with YOURSELF.
Going forward
This issue was kinda short, did you notice? Client work got the better of me. Still don’t know if this will be a weekly or fortnightly newsletter, but beware not, I’m not abandoning it. Or you. So,
If you loved this issue, you might be interested in
Previously, on B00ls: Issue #11 - 1 + 1 Makes for a Boring Brand
Next time, join MadVlad as he takes on…
Issue #13: Creativity for Creativity’s Sake?
You want to get nuts? Let’s get nuts!
You can get access to the full archive here if you missed any other issue.
In the meantime
If you liked my stuff, this is how we can work together:
I write for you. Check out the Experience section on my LinkedIn.
I consult marketers and founders. I can show you how to disqualify potential ingrates and sleep soundly at night.
I consult writers. I can show you how to write in order to stand out and deal with less knob heads.
Are you a writer/marketer/founder who wants to learn how NOT to be a doormat?
Reply to this e-mail if you’re interested in the above.
Know somebody who’d also like that? Share my newsletter and point them in my direction. I’ll give you a beer if you’re ever in Bucharest.
Offer 1 is detailed up on LinkedIn. I just lost one client last week, so there’s room available. And by “lost”, I mean he changed his fucking mind after I had already sent him the contract… Ah, some people don’t deserve the modicum of kindness I’m capable of…
Offers 2 and 3 are detailed up on LinkedIn. But you can also find them here:
I’m still very open for consultancy services. Just reply to this e-mail if you’re interested.
But wait, there’s more
A funny thing happened last week. A fellow writer contacted me and asked if I had sent the newsletter. She actually was worried that she hadn’t received it.
Soooo…. people don’t just read my stuff in lieu of watching a TV show. They actually like and crave it. And demand it. Thank you, Elena!
I told her that I had tummy aches and that I would come back in full force, and clean intestines, this week.
She also gave me a cool idea via her own newsletter. When you can’t deliver on a promise (my weekly newsletter) give your audience something in return. The only thing I can give you that is of value is MY TIME.
So, for a limited time, until I publish my next newsletter, probably next Friday, I’m going to give you a freebie. Just because I’m a nice guy. And I want to get to know my audience.
YOU GET - 30 minutes.
A call worth 30 minutes, with me. No fee, no strings attached.
Use them as you please: pick my brain about writing and marketing, or shoot the shit about the weather.
No undressing, I'm not that kind of girl.
Just reply to this e-mail and tell me you wanna chat. No funny business, I will reply to each and every one of you, and we’ll make this 30 minutes call happen.
You have my word.
The chances of me doing this again are ASTRONOMICALLY low, so you’ve been warned.
No, I won’t do it next time I miss sending a newsletter.
That’s it, folks.
Cheers
If this was the first, but also last time we meet: Thank you.
I write for myself, but you reading my writing gives it additional meaning. I literally could not resonate without you.