Issue #26: A Storytelling Extravaganza With a Great Twist
Santa Grundy is coming to town. And going to town on boundaries.
Hello, darlings!
Back so soon? Well, yes, because this episode I’m doing a runner, and leaving somebody else to write my newsletter. OK, OK, not all of it, but the bulk. I’ve had guests before, sure, but now I’m handing over the reins, and I’m leaving you in the hands of another more than capable writer.
Why am I doing this?
Well, when I devised B00ls, I mainly wanted three things:
A place to call my own, where I could swear and bash other people to my heart’s content (check).
A place where I can promote my services (checkarooney).
A place where we encourage a difference of opinions (incoming). I argue with MadVlad on the regular anyway…
So, while I might not agree with Tom on everything, I do appreciate his view on boundaries. But let not me spoil the surprise. I now hand the mic to my main man Tom Grundy.
Over to ya, Tom
Why boundaries don’t work
There’s an old and famous parable which goes something like this:
A farmer heard his donkey wailing and soon found the donkey had tumbled into an unused well.
Despite his best efforts, the farmer couldn’t lift the donkey out.
(Clearly there were no YouTube videos showing how to rescue a stubborn donkey at the time this parable was written)
After a lot of struggle and strain, the farmer decided there was no way to save his donkey. So he decided to fill in the well and put the donkey out of its misery. The farmer found a pile of dirt, sand & soil and began shovelling them into the well.
Realising that he was about to join the great pasture in the sky, the donkey started thrashing around and braying louder and louder. But a few minutes later, all went quiet.
The farmer walked to the edge of the well and looked down. He could see the donkey shaking off the dirt as it landed on its back, causing it to fall beneath its hooves. As it did so, the donkey was stepping onto the growing pile beneath him.
Eventually the pile increased enough for the donkey to jump over the edge of the well and wander away.
The moral of the story?
Something about dusting yourself off and rising above the grime that life can throw at you?
I mean, sure. That works.
But I always heard this story slightly differently. I think there’s a much more powerful underlying message at the heart of this parable.
And it’s this:
Problems lose their grip when you let go of the fight.
Said another way, it’s the resistance or struggle itself which inadvertently gives energy to our problems and makes them bigger or harder to solve.
This idea shows up in many mysterious and unexpected ways.
Let’s rewind the clock 100 years and take Prohibition as an example.
In the 1920s, the killjoy American authorities tried to clamp down on people drinking alcohol.
Local police raided underground bars. Surveillance was stepped up at ports to stop bootleggers smuggling alcohol in from Canada and Mexico. And various public campaigns were launched to vilify alcohol and discourage people quaffing a cheeky tipple or two.
I’m sure you know what happened next.
Prohibition created a lucrative black market. Criminal syndicates like Al Capone’s Chicago outfit stepped in and the competition led to violent turf wars, including infamous events like the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
But that’s not all.
An estimated 10,000 people died during Prohibition from drinking dodgy homemade brews like moonshine. And while initial consumption dropped, by the mid-1920s the Yanks were drinking just as much as they had before.
Goes to show:
What you push against pushes back harder.
Now, shall we bring this closer to home with a more relevant example?
In 2021, I found myself in a perfect storm at work.
It started small when I said yes to taking on extra responsibilities I knew I didn’t have time for. That turned into running a new project and ultimately my job doubling in size.
It got to the point where I was staying late, showing up early and still falling behind. Work had taken over and something had to give.
One thing I tried was setting boundaries.
I think I’d read somewhere (I can’t remember where now) that boundaries were an almost surefire way to increase my autonomy and protect my time and energy.
So I gave it a shot. I started saying no to things and pushing back on work.
But surprisingly, I didn’t find setting boundaries to the magic bullet I’d expected.
For one, the moments I needed to set boundaries were typically the moments I found it hardest to set them.
I also found that setting a boundary made me feel more uncomfortable, not less uncomfortable.
But perhaps most important of all, I realised that setting a boundary didn’t mean that someone else would follow that boundary.
As it turns out, most of the time they didn’t. My colleagues walked right over my boundaries like an excitable puppy walks over freshly laid concrete. And I ended up with even more work to do.
Work got so overwhelming that a few months later I ended up setting the boundary of all boundaries.
A boundary that no-one could ignore.
I quit my job!
I’d love to say I walked away out of calm, measured clarity. But I didn’t. I quit out of resistance, frustration, and feeling like I had no other choice.
Looking back, I can see that quitting wasn’t the solution. It was a symptom. A symptom of the story I’d created about being overwhelmed, taken advantage of, and stuck in a fight I couldn’t win.
Nowadays, I think I see why every boundary I tried setting led to me feeling more & more fed up.
See, anyone who tries to take a stand, hold their ground or draw a line in the sand by setting boundaries is, for all intents and purposes, a proverbial donkey in a well, suffocating under the weight of a whole bunch of dirt and grime.
That was me.
Truth is, it’s not setting a boundary which helps you move forward with less friction and more ease.
It’s letting go instead.
In fact, by the time you’ve decided to set a boundary, it’s too late. You’ve already created the story you want to believe.
This was the mistake I made at work. I’d created a narrative in my head and I was setting boundaries as a defensive measure.
But Tom! I hear you cry. What about all those times when someone disrespects me, takes advantage of me or gets me to do something I don’t want to do?
Well, I’m going to make a bold prediction:
See what happens if you stop taking a stand, holding your ground or setting a boundary.
I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
If drawing a line in the sand is what creates your struggle (as I’m suggesting it is – the more you resist, the more resistance you create), then my sneaky suspicion is that you’ll start to find people disrespect or take advantage of you less.
So what does this mean in practical terms?
Well, I’d put it like this:
You’re not setting a boundary out of resistance. Instead, you’re making a choice about where your energy goes. There’s no struggle. Just clear, proactive decisions.
You’re not “holding the line” out of guilt, fear, or defensiveness. You’re just stating facts and trusting that’s enough.
And you’ve dropped any stories about “being taken advantage of”. Instead, you’re focusing on what you can control: your own priorities and actions.
Now, that’s not to say that there won’t be moments when a sly and corrupting character genuinely tries to manipulate or undermine you.
But letting go doesn’t mean ignoring a problem, doing nothing or giving up.
It means releasing our emotional grip so we can approach problems with a calm mind. And rather than use boundaries like a rule, use common sense moment to moment.
So next time you feel the urge to set a boundary, pause. Take a breath. And see what happens when you let go of the urge to push back.
You might be surprised at how often your problem stops looking like a problem when you do.
*****
Tom Grundy is a banker, writer and coach. In 2021, he quit his banking job in a fit of burn out and went on a two year journey into the furthest corners of personal development and mindset.
Nowadays he’s back in his old job and his experience of the 9 to 5 has completely shifted from stress and bordeom to fun and flow.
He writes about everything he’s learnt in his newsletter here:
https://signup.followingfulfilment.com/
Still open for submissions
And, BAM! How was that? Did you enjoy it? Did you agree? I do… like at least 80%, which is saying something. Fact of the matter, I’m not even waiting for the right moment to put it into practice in business. I’ll take this philosophy for a test run even sooner. Come the Holidays dinner, instead of my usual routine of telling people upfront that:
If you insist on asking me to eat a second serving, or ask about my plans on having a baby, I’ll tell you to fuck off, point out that your own life is in fucking shambles, and I’ll leave pronto – or swiftly kick you out of my house.
Which is my usual modus operandi.
This time, I’ll just keep quiet and patiently wait for whatever happens to happen. I’ll smile gently as the questions come, and my liver won’t get inflated. I will allow everything to wash over me, and when it’s all over, I’ll be as serene as the day I was born.
Minus the screaming.
See you all after the holidays. I’ll also let you know if my taking of a leaf out of Tom’s book actually worked or if my mother managed to get a rise out of me, like she usually does (love you to bits, mum, but you know how you get :*)
Anyway, any other things you could teach me?
Pitching is still open. If you’re a writer (a person who writes, you don’t have to identify as a professional writer) with a great story to share with the B00ls audience, hit me up.
You can talk about stuff that lights you up and promote yourself at the same time.
I ONLY HAVE ONE RULE:
It has to be quality content, relevant to the B00ls audience.
In the meantime
Nothing.
This issue was all about Tom’s point. No selling or marketing on my side. Go and check out Tom’s newsletter if you still crave something to read.
Going forward
I don’t know when B00ls will be back. Probably sometime in January. I wish you good enough holidays, and we’ll see each other again. Hopefully. Careful with your chewing…
In case you’re not done reading (or want to watch me):
Previously, on B00ls: Issue #25: SEO Bros Talking Shop
Another video episode where I teach freelance writers
Next time, join MadVlad as he takes on…
Issue #27: A Founder’s Worst Nightmare, a Writer’s Biggest Problem
Do not kill your darlings
In the meantime, you can get access to the full archive here if you missed any other issue.
Cheers
If this was the first, but also last time we meet: Thank you.
I write for myself, but you reading my writing gives it additional meaning. I literally could not resonate without you.
For real now, careful with your chewing.